The British Commander
by Ioik
Summary: Taking names and drinking tea. A bunch of scenes from the game with an over the top British Commander.
1. Chapter 1 Rescuing Garrus Part 1

**Chapter 1 Rescuing Garrus Part 1**

"Mister Archangel I presume?"

Archangel waved a hand dismissively as he lined up his scope, taking a shot at a random mercenary hiding behind a pillar with his sniper rifle. Assured no more targets were left standing on the bridge the blue armoured turian stood from his kneeling position and one handily removed his helmet. With a confident grace he moved to a crate placed between himself and the commander taking to lounging upon it as he dangled his rifle almost pornographically between his thighs.

"Shepard. I thought you were dead."

"Mister Vakarian? Is that really you?" Shepard rubbed her chin in quiet contemplation. "Well if it isn't my old pal, Garrus! What hideous indecency brings you to such a ghastly place, pray tell?"

"Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice."

"Ah, a little safari tour of the underworld?" She tapped her nose knowingly. "How are you holding up, old chap?"

"Been better, but it sure is good to see a friendly face. Killing mercs is hard work." Garrus sighed like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. "Especially on my own."

"Good thing I stumbled upon your lair when I did then." She nodded decisively. "I've been rather looking forward to a good old fashion brawl since speaking to that repulsive Mister Illusive. But where are my manners? Shouldn't we have a spot of tea first? It won't be easy getting out of this heathen place."

"No, it won't. That bridge has saved my life… funnelling all those witless idiots into scope. But it works both ways. They'll slaughter us f we try to get out that way."

"So we just sit here and wait for them to take us out?" Miranda chimed in.

"It's not all that bad. This place has held them off so far. And with the three of you…" Garrus rose from his perch and began wandering around the room aimlessly. "I suggest we hold this location, wait for a crack in their defences, and take our chance. It's not a perfect plan, but it's a plan."

"Well, I'm sure if we put our backs into it we can make a jolly good day of it." Shepard stepped closer to the turian, rubbing her chin with eager contemplation. "Though I am afraid those chaps down there won't be feeling particularly merry in the morning, if you catch my meaning."

"You're right. Their numbers won't help them in here, anyway. Let's see what they're up to…" Garrus moved to the window and began spying on the enemy through his rifle. "Hmm… looks like they know their infiltration team failed. Take a look. Scouts. Eclipse I think."

Shepard took the preoffered sniper rifle and stared down the lens. It took her a few seconds to line up a target that wasn't wall or wallish in appearance but finally she spotted the 'scouts' hopping over a make shift barricade and onto the bridge.

"Well bugger me sideways and call my mother a cucumber sandwich… are those tin men? " She took a shot scoring a direct hit. "Whoops, my finger must have slipped. I do hope that little fellows alright."

"Indeed. We better get ready." Garrus took back his precious rifle. "I'll stay up here. I can do a lot of damage from this vantage point. You… you can do what you do best. Just like old times, Shepard."

"Ah, yes. And in the spirit of old times, be a good fellow Vakarian and stick the kettle on for when we get back." Shepard made her way to the door, unsheathing her weapon of choice. "Tallyho boys! Oh, dreadfully sorry. You to Miranda. Tallyhoing that is."


	2. Chapter 2 Rescuing Garrus Part 2

**Just thought I'd remind someone that this is an over the top British commander and that I am British and yes some people in Britain do still talk most of this way. Stating that it's just a stereotype is like saying nobody in Lancashire still calls a bread roll a barm cake. (People in Lancashire do in fact call a bread roll a barm cake). The tea references, however, are entirely on a minor racist level but it's funny.**

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**Chapter 2 Rescuing Garrus Part 2**

"If you want something done properly…" Jaroth, the angry salarian, grumbled. "All right. Let's see how you handle this, Archangel."

Pressing a few buttons on his omni-tool Jaroth almost cackled like a generic bad guy as his robot unfurled itself but managed to restrain his evilness this time. The robot stood on shaky legs before catching its balance using the chain guns in its arms as counter weights.

"Go!" Jaroth ordered like a pokemon hunter.

"Online." The giant robot, apparently ignoring Jaroth, stated to nobody in particular.

"They're sending out the heavy mechs." Garrus peered down his sniper rifle even though the robot was very obvious.

"Tell me my name isn't Steven and spank me twice. That certainly is a big boy." Shepard peered out the window at the over compensating mech. "Good thing I shoved a few macaroons down its optics when we were over at the base or we'd be well and truly buggered."

Macaroons apparently blocking the giant robots vision, and crumbs down its circuit board, 'big boy' flung about uselessly before spraying out a sheet of bullets. Unlucky for Jaroth and his team the robot had managed to spin itself one eighty until it was facing them. After a gory and surprised shoot out the mech randomly exploded in spectacular fashion, knocking the final survivors on the bridge off the sides and down a very long drop.

"That looks like that's all of them. Come find me before they re-group." Garrus called over the comm. even though Shepard was standing right next to him sipping at her tea and enjoying the show.

Putting her cup down on its saucer, Shepard tapped Garrus on the shoulder to bring his attention away from staring down his rifle. For a moment she deliberated telling him his tea making skills had greatly reduced but decided the matter needed a little more tact and now wasn't the time.

"You're kicking ass, Shepard. They barely touched me. And we got Jaroth in the process." Garrus almost jumped up and down from excitement. "I've been hunting that little bastard for months."

"Did that villainous vagrant owe you money or somewhat?"

"He's been shipping tainted ezzo all over Citadel space. Half the goods I seized back at C-Sec came from his team here on Omega. I took out a big shipment a while back and killed his top lieutenant in the process." Garrus worked out the stress in his neck. "Not surprised he decided to work with the other mercs after that."

"How dreadfully wicked and un-gentlemanly." Shepard frowned and swirled the dregs left in her teacup before reading the tealeaves. "Oh, my. Looks like a krogan with an exploding head is in my future. Well, we've still got the disreputable Blood Pack and Blue Suns waiting on us over yonder. Perhaps we shouldn't keep them waiting? Its dreadfully rude to be more than ten minutes late for a rendezvous."

"Maybe. Lets see what they're up to." Garrus moved to the window. "They've reinforced the other side… heavily. But they're not coming over the bridge yet. What are they waiting for?"

As if sensing the dramatic irony of the situation a loud explosion went off somewhere downstairs rocking the entire building. In the process Shepard's teacup and saucer were catapulted out the window and found their way over to an innocent mercenary hiding behind a crate whom was promptly knocked unconscious by the force of the china set smashing over his head.

"What the hell was that?" Miranda shouted as if one of her team had caused the quake and her undignified stumble.

"Damn it. They've breached the lower level." Garrus fiddled with his omni-tool. "Well they had to use their brains eventually. You'd better get down there, Shepard. I'll keep the bridge clear."

"I didn't come all this way for second rate tea and to let a good friend die holding the fort. That wouldn't be very gallant of me." Shepard tickled her chin in thought. "Gosh, I've got a spectacular plan. One of my group will stay here with you as companionship during this dire situation."

"You sure? Who knows what you'll find down there."

"My dear Garrus, there is no need to be so reticent in accepting help. Friends surround you." Shepard looked at Miranda then Jacob. "Jacob, you will stay with Garrus as protector."

"If you say so. I'm not so sure it's a good idea…" Jacob voiced his opinion.

"Thanks, Shepard. You better get going." Garrus nodded his thanks.

"Now Garrus, old chap, how does one make it to said basement? I'm afraid I have not had occasion to peruse your dwellings."

"Go down a level – the basement door is on the west side of the main room, behind the stairs." Garrus pointed towards the door. "I'll radio directions if you need help… but you've got to get down there quick. Good luck."


	3. Chapter 3 Rescuing Garrus Part 3

**Thank you to everybody for the charming reviews! Sorry if this chapter is a little girly. I do have the oddest pictures in my head of Shepard owning a frilly dress sometimes. (The same can be said for Jacob.)**

**One more chapter for this scene in the game then maybe I do the Romance one.**

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**Chapter 3 Rescuing Garrus part 3**

Shepard and Miranda jogged leisurely down the stairs as an alarm came into earshot. Following the steadily increasing noise they found the basement door and wandered inside. Across from the two women sat, because it didn't have legs to run away, a weapons locker.

"I'll wager there is none but sniper rifles in this locker." Shepard looked inside the rack of weaponry. "No, my folly. There is an assault rifle amongst the indistinguishable procession of sniper rifles. Mister Vakarian is in stringent necessity of diversity."

"Get to the console and close that shutter before they get through!" The turian chimed over the radio.

Shepard paused amidst her admiration of the turian's extensive collection and dropped the solitary assault rifle back into its holder. Gesturing to her companion to join her the two women continued to jog leisurely towards their target and hit the button to close the first shutter.

"Well, this seems adequately obtuse." Shepard sighed as she waited for the shutter to descend. "Rather dull work for the women, and wot, wot.

"Try a real man's weapon." An angry sounding krogan shouted from the opposite side of the shutter.

"Perchance do you aspire one of these, sonny Jim?" Shepard shouted back as she pulled a missile launcher off her back.

The krogan and his pack of vorcha came to a sudden halt, dropping their weapons in unison. A couple of the group backtracked the way they had come, whilst the krogan and three vorcha stood still like statues.

"Now that I have your undivided consideration I'm afraid I must insist you apologise for that horrid tone of voice you raised-" Shepard was cut off as the shutter suddenly slotted into place. "Oh, fiddle sticks!"

"There's two more shutters, get them closed fast!" Garrus called over the comm, once again.

"Come, Miranda." Shepard switched her weaponry back to something more suitable. "We have buttons to press for the men folk."

Shepard, pouting miserably from lack of adventure and being cut-off mid demand, took the left door into a new corridor filled with obstacles to jump. Apparently feeling it was too un-ladylike to simply jump the obstructions like Miranda, Shepard took to sitting on them before swinging her legs over the tops and reaching the opposite side gracefully.

"A lady should never, hop, jump or ride with parted legs." She raised an eyebrow in Miranda's, wide legged jumping, direction and received an equally disdainful look back.

"Here they come. There's not to many… yet." Archangel rang over the radio. "Ill take care of the bridge -- you close those shutters. We can't fight them on two fronts."

"He is dreadfully impatient." Shepard mused as she rounded a corner and came face to face with a flamethrower.

Screaming like a little girl, as the flames licked at her armour, Shepard dived behind cover ignoring the never parted legs rule. With almost a snicker of amusement Miranda went in the opposite direction using her biotic powers to lift the fire wielding vorcha into the air before slamming him against the metal floor below with a sickening crunch and snap of bone.

Continuing over the next barrier, the Cerberus agent made her way to the next shutter and flicked the switch. A few seconds later, the shutter dropped unceremoniously into place and she continued back to her commander finding her playing with the dead vorcha's flamethrower.

"Getting toasty by the fire is my one weakness." Shepard giggled and pranced back over the obstacles with her new toy.

"Just one more shutter. Hurry!" Garrus was getting excited now.

"We've got hostiles on the bridge, but we're holding." Jacob obviously less enthusiastic than his comrade.

* * *

"I'm going to need some help soon. They're getting more aggressive." Garrus was starting to sound desperate.

"I'll kill you!" A random vorcha screeched as he ran at the commander without a weapon.

Shepard eagerly accepted the alien's challenge, tightening her grip on the flamethrower in her hands. As the vorcha, shrieking a battle cry of indignation as he ran, came into range she quickly pulled the trigger unleashing a fury of fire.

"Get back here, Shepard. They're coming in through the doors." The turian yelled through the comm.

"Come, my adorable colonial ally." Shepard wafted the stench of burning flesh from her nose. "The master beckons us, come hither."


	4. Chapter 4 Rescuing Garrus Part 4

**I'm not going to do the next scene for a while. I have other stories to write and plenty of work to do. Probably going to finish that cameo chapter for Hierarchy III just because I feel bad for never finishing it and This is not about sex and One stop gone have been waiting on there next chapters for a while…**

**Enjoy and continue attempting to speak British to me in reviews. It makes me giggle, you crazy yanks. (Lashings of ginger beer to all you fellow Brits.)**

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**Chapter 4 Rescuing Garrus part 4**

"Raaah! Rip them to shreds!" Garm the krogan stomped into Archangels lair.

As the over dramatic krogan paused at the doorway, for slightly more theatrical pretension, the vorcha next to him squawked and spluttered blood all over his boss's shoulder before disappearing to the floor. Garm followed the vorcha's descent with a placid expression before looking towards the sniper rifle wielding turian. He had to admit; he was impressed the damn budgie could pull off a one-hit execution with a long-range weapon whilst standing mere feet away.

"Watch my back. I'll deal with Archangel." Garm grinned with eager anticipation.

As Garrus and Garm began to tango, Jacob apparently hiding behind some crates and weeping like a small child during the altercation, Shepard and Miranda exited the basement. Levelling her flamethrower over a vorcha's head, having run out of fuel for the heavy weapon, Shepard stepped over the unconscious body muttering an apology and proceeded to whack her way through the small unit of vorcha attempting to block the pair from making it upstairs.

"I need help with this guy Shepard." Archangel shouted down from his balcony like a damsel in distress.

Leaving the Aussi to finish off the concussed batch of vorcha, the commander hopped up the stairs and sauntered into Garrus' office. As Garm tossed the struggling turian onto a comfy looking sofa Shepard threw her empty flamethrower at him. He turned catching the weapon with athletic ease but didn't expect the armoured glove that was suddenly slapped across his face.

"A duel to the death!" Shepard bellowed before shoving a shotgun in the startled krogan's face and pulling the trigger. "I have won my tea makers honour back!"

"They've stopped. Come find me." Garrus requested from a foot away.

Dusting the chunks of brain matter from her chest plate, Shepard wandered closer until she was near enough to be considered within intimate quarters with Archangel. He didn't seem to notice however; then again this is the same turian that doesn't realize you're in the same room as him.

"Tough bastards. But I've seen worse." Garrus rocked from one foot to the other in complete giddiness. "And we took out Garm and his Blood Pack. This day just gets better and better. He was one tough son of a bitch."

"My tea leaves did declare a krogan with an exploding cranium was in my prospective future today." Shepard winced at the newest foul stench to adorn her attire. "I take it you knew the brute that so sort your downfall, Mister Vakarian?"

"Yeah, we tangled once." Archangel went back to his wandering around the room aimlessly. "Caught him alone. None of his gang to help him. I still couldn't take him out. I've never seen a krogan regen that fast. He's a freak of nature. He just kept at it until his vorcha showed up. It was close, but I had to let him go. Not this time."

"What conceivably do you insinuate "not this time", old chum?" She crossed her arms over her bosom exasperated. "It was I who fell the beast! I suggest we vacate these premises before my vexation stumbles forwards into darker realms and new trials of righteous honour are decided."

"I think you're right." He nodded agreeing. "Tarak's got the toughest group, but nothing we haven't faced before. Besides, he won't be expecting us to meet him head-on—"

"Heads up!" Miranda, trailing a shell shocked Jacob, shouted at the bickering duo.

As a gunship fluttered down and rammed into the rooms only window, sending shards everywhere, Jacob promptly went back to his hiding place whilst Miranda tried to coax him out. Shepard on the other hand stared at the oversized bird (not Garrus) with childish glee.

"Damn it! I thought I took that thing out already!" Garrus growled as he hid behind a crate.

"Well, I did confiscate the start-up key from them, but I dare say it wouldn't have taken them a prolonged quantity of time until they'd manage to conjure a hot-wirer amongst their posse of villains."

"They're off loading troops! Watch your back, Shepard!" Archangel continued to use a sniper rifle in close combat, missing most of his targets.

Stroking her missile launcher with all the love and care normally bestowed on a new baby, the commander popped up from behind the plant pot she was using as cover and fired a shot off. As the missile found a body to collide with it exploded, sending all the other nearby bodies back out through the window with a chorus of terrified screams followed by silence. As Shepard fired her second shot, at the gunship, the pilot quickly decided upon a prompt retreat managing to evade the errant missile homing in on his haul.

"They're rappelling down the side wall. Ground floor!" Garrus, evidently now psychic, turned and shouted at Shepard almost deafening her. "They've reached the rear stairs."

Shepard sighed twirling a finger in her abused ear, trying to bring back some audible range, and began the leisurely jog to the lower floor. As she reached the stairs, Jacob and Miranda appeared behind her and started flanking as the commander took to firing her missile launch at anything that moved bellow her.

"Archangel!" Tarak in his gunship decided to re-appear, now someone bigger wasn't around to stand up to him, and began firing at Garrus. "You think you can screw with the Blue Suns!"

Caught off guard polishing his rifle, the turian looked up in time to see a hail of bullets fly at him. Taking a heap of the projectiles directly to the body he slipped to the floor, still clinging on to his precious weapon, and crawled behind a randomly cube shaped piece of furniture.

"This ends now!" Tarak hollered as he released a wave of rockets at Garrus catching him clean in the face.

"Garrus?" Shepard called to the unconscious and heavily bleeding turian.

With newfound rage boiling through her veins Shepard gripped her missile launcher with a new found determination. As Tarak, cackling with generic evilness, pulled his gunship around for another run she was waiting for him. Without any hesitation she fired hitting the enemy smack bang in the cockpit and knocking the window out but the bastard was still alive.

Pulling the trigger a second time the empty clicking of the weapon warned the commander she was all out of missiles. Flinging the weapon at Tarak, trying to dislodge shards of glass through his person, Shepard looked around the room for anything to use as a weapon. Spotting Garrus's sniper rifle she flung that to only to have it rebound back as she missed. Finally she came across something of use, Archangel's teapot, and tossed it at Tarak before he could aim his rocket launchers.

As the teapot struck its target, Tarak yelped in pain as scolding hot tea burned and blistered his skin. Unable to concentrate on what he was doing the gunship spun out of control and rammed into the bridge with an explosive finale.

"How'd you like that cup of tea you incestuous, matriarchal fornicator!" Shepard crowed victoriously before dashing over to her fallen comrade.

Lying in a pool of his own azure blood, Garrus continued to be dead or unconscious. Moving closer Shepard squatted besides the mutilated turian, stroking his cheek gently. As if by divine intervention, Archangel opened his eyes to glare up at the commander gurgling all the while.

"Mister Vakarian!" Shepard leaned in and administered all her medi-gel. "I'm truly sorry about the sniper rifle, old friend. It was pure folly on my part. Oh, please do stop glaring at me so. I promise to buy you a new and improved model. I truly do feel rotten about the whole misfortune. Will you ever forgive me?"

Garrus gurgled up some more blood in response and made sure to get a good amount over the commander. Sighing with defeat she moved to lift the fallen turian with Jacob's assistance.

"Send word to the ship. Let them know to ready my personal physician and lashings of ginger beer."

"We better hurry. He looks bad." Jacob shook his head solemnly.

* * *

_Back on the Normandy._

"Commander. We've done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit." Jacob attempts to soothe Shepard as she bows her head, dismayed. "The docs corrected with surgical procedures and some cybernetics. Best we can tell, he'll have full functionality but…"

The door abruptly opened, cutting Jacob off as the person in question strolled in. A curious aroma of silence followed for a few seconds before someone finally dared to break it.

"Shepard." Garrus greeted his old commander with a mild amount of venom.

"Tough son of a bitch. Didn't think he'd be up yet." Jacob laughed.

"Nobody would give me a mirror. How bad is it?" The turian walked over to Shepard and loomed.

"Well… the bandage leaves much to be desired. Of course with a little effort, some ribbon and perhaps… yes, some embroidery we could certainly brighten your countenance." Shepard folded her arms and grinned. "The scarring, however, I believe we'll just have to brutally disregard it and trust it'll go away of its own accord. If you do not indulge in a things existence, it cannot subsist."

Archangel erupted into laughter that quickly diminished as the pain from working the jaw surfaced. He paused holding his bandage for a moment before continuing his looming.

"Ha-ah! Don't make me laugh, damn it. My face is barely holding together as it is. Ah, probably for the best." The turian sighed. "Some women find facial scars attractive. Mind you, most of those women are krogan…"

Shepard shook her head and smiled serenely at the pleasant atmosphere, feeling as if things were returning to some normality. Jacob, however, feeling like a third wheel saluted out of nowhere before marching off in a hump, Garrus trailing him like a predator until out of eyeshot.

"Frankly, I'm more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard? You remember those sick experiments they were doing?"

"Much like the rebellion with the Americas, new allies must be forged to subdue the Yanks. Though, we did rather lose that war or did we just leave and try to forget about them like the Australians? History was never my forte I am afraid, mister Vakarian, but strategy on the other hand..." She shrugged. "If we cannot impede such tyranny occurring within our human colonies, as that with the Collectors, then innovative and additionally devious comportment must be revealed, referred and resorted to."

"I can't argue with that. Hard to believe the Council is letting the attacks go unanswered, though. Damn politicians." Garrus wandered to the side then posed for dramatic effect. "I'm fit for duty whenever you need me, Shepard. I'll settle in and see what I can do at the foreword batteries."

As quickly as he came, Garrus left leaving behind a lonesome Shepard with her half eaten crumpet and lukewarm tea.


End file.
